Children of the '90s Try to Explain '80s Cartoons

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Jack: All right friends, let's talk about our favorite '80s action cartoons!
Erin: I was alive in the '80s for two months.
Kayla: I don't know much about the '80s, except for Tina Turner and The Cosby Show. And Madonna.

Jack: Who would you guys say these people are?

Kayla: G.I. Joe?
Erin: I like the man in the leotard in the back. "Man-O-Tard." I also know this is G.I. Joe, but only because of the viral YouTube sensation.
Kayla: The man in the denim vest is UNF worthy.
Erin: These look like The Village People. If all the Village People were in the army.
Kayla: It’s fun to stay at the A-R-M-Y.
[Editor's note: The "guy with the leotard" at the back is Scarlett. She is a counter-intelligence specialist.]

Jack: What about this person? Do you know who he is and what he does?
Erin: Captain Falcon? From Super Smash Bros? And that's Gene Simmons in the back.
Kayla: He looks like he’s ready to take on the world. I'm more interested in the bae on the left though, tbh.
Tanner: Is he good or bad?
Kayla: This guy kind of reminds me of someone from Inspector Gadget? Did that show have like a guy who never showed his face?
Erin: Darth Vader.
Tanner: Dr. Claw.

Jack: What about this guy?
Erin: I would name him Cobra Commander, which might already be a thing. He seems bad too. Based on, you know, snakes..
Tanner: What is he from?
Kayla: Power Rangers?
Erin: Yeah!

Jack: OK, this is a "Hero or Villain?" round. Tell me what you think the character's name is, whether they are a hero or a villain, and what their deal is.

Erin: Oooh this dude is BAD. Venom from Spider-Man?
Kayla: He's totally a hero. He looks like he's gonna save a town with those swords.
Erin: How does he see? Or does he just feel?

Erin: She's a hero. Well, she's my hero. Because she is rocking that spandex. Her name is Molly; she likes books. She shoots people who don’t like books.
Kayla: She's a villain, b/c she's too hot to be good. her name is Lady Bombshell Brunette.
Erin: She's ridding the world of IGNORANCE.
Kayla: She lures ppl in with her hot looks and spandex.

Erin: VILLAIN. His name is Vin Diesel's dad. He steals people's curtains to make his collar bigger.
Kayla: He takes off his gray gloves and throws people into a tank with sharks.
[Editor's note: Weirdly, Kayla is right about this.]

Kayla: OMG total hero.
Erin: Hi there.
Kayla: Can I have yo numba.
Erin: His name is probably just Bruce because he's a laid-back dude.
Kayla: He saves people by tattooing their arms. his name is Dr. Dirrty Dan.
Erin: He's going to catch fish for our seafood dinner tonight.

Erin: Ugh, villain.
Kayla: He really intimidates me. So villain.
Erin: I just hate this guy.
Kayla: He kinda reminds me of Jorgen Von Strangle from The Fairly OddParents.
[Editor's note: Literally no idea what that is.]
Erin: He doesn't deserve a name. He reminds me of Porn Stache from OITNB.
Kayla: His name is Burt Reynolds.

Jack: OK, fill-in-the-blanks time. Riddle me this: One half of the battle is warfare. What is the other half of the battle?
Erin: Just having fun and being yourself?

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4 Responses to Children of the '90s Try to Explain '80s Cartoons

  1. Peter says:

    Oh, man.. I am losing it at the "raphael is cool but rapey" bit. Too good.

  2. My Common Sense is Tingling says:

    I believe in Amphibob.

  3. This was an important archival project as the original article no longer has any images.

  4. Pingback: Turtle Talk – Matt The Catania

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