{"id":4108,"date":"2006-12-13T12:16:42","date_gmt":"2006-12-13T17:16:42","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.oafe.net\/blog\/?p=4108"},"modified":"2011-07-04T15:41:27","modified_gmt":"2011-07-04T19:41:27","slug":"jingle-bells-bartman-smells","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.oafe.net\/blog\/2006\/12\/jingle-bells-bartman-smells\/","title":{"rendered":"Jingle Bells, Bartman Smells"},"content":{"rendered":"

In today's Simpsons Family Christmas<\/a> review, I mentioned that I didn't know \"Jingle Bells\" had four verses. I'm betting you didn't, either. So here, for your edification, is the rest of the song. Impress your friends! Confuse your family! Scare the neighbors!<\/p>\n

Dashing through the snow,
\nIn a one-horse open sleigh,
\nO'er the fields we go,
\nLaughing all the way.
\nBells on bobtail ring,
\nMaking spirits bright,
\nWhat fun it is to ride and sing
\nA sleighing song tonight.<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

That's the first verse; everyone knows the words to that. Of course, some nitwits think it's \"bells on Bob's tail ring,\" like that's the horse's freaking name. Idiots.<\/p>\n

A day or two ago
\nI thought I'd take a ride,
\nAnd soon Miss Fanny Bright
\nWas seated by my side.
\nThe horse was lean and lank,
\nMisfortune seemed his lot.
\nWe ran into a drifted bank
\nAnd there we got upsot.<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

So our boy is out in his totally crunk ride with his favorite shorty. But his horse is bound for the glue factory and he doesn't know how to drive. So they crash and fall into a snowbank. Which is the 1857 equivalent of \"gee, I must have run out of gas,\" I bet. Just ask Ethan Frome.<\/p>\n

A day or two ago
\nThe story I must tell
\nI went out on the snow
\nAnd on my back I fell.
\nA gent was riding by
\nIn a one-horse open sleigh.
\nHe laughed at me as I there lay
\nBut quickly drove away.<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

Holy crap, a 19th-century drive-by! This is turning into a 50 Cent song. Strap on your bulletproof vest and continue on to the next verse.<\/p>\n

Now the ground is white.
\nGo it while you're young.
\nTake the girls along
\nAnd sing this sleighing song.
\nJust bet a bobtailed bay
\nTwo-forty as his speed.
\nHitch him to an open sleigh
\nAnd crack! You'll take the lead.<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n

So now we're supposed to pick up several<\/b> girls and take part in a Fast and the Furious<\/i>-style streetrace. What the hell! People sing this with their families! Your grandma loves this song! She's straight pimpin', yo.<\/p>\n

<i>And now, some more OAFEry:<\/i><\/H5>