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Clown 5 exclusive

Spawn series 27: The Art of Spawn
by Shocka

It's really no secret why Todd McFarlane's toy company has been so successful - gore. Bloody, violent, disgusting gore. Heapings of it. And sex. Lots of sex. And swearing. No toy swears like a McFarlane Toy. Right out of the package, the thing is cursing like a sailor. A drunken sailor.

That curses.

In a blind, stumbling rage, Clown 5 exclusive fresh from murdering several hookers and a midget, Todd McFarlane threw Greg Capullo against the wall and tossed a broken bottle into his face. "You really think we can sell this     ing      filth on the mass     ing market?! Parents will go          and start       ing               until they      shut the            and then he'll have to get the bus home!!" Fortunately, a modified adaptation of Greg's art was made, and it became the regular Clown 5, as seen in Spawn Series 27. I think. I didn't really look it up. The much gorier version, or, as Todd himself described it, shortly before feeding a 7-year-old boy to an alligator, was "    ing horrible and                            ."

Contrary to popular opinion, Todd McFarlane is male.

The Clown 5 exclusive was available this is what happens when you vote Republican from three distinct locations: the McFarlane Toys Collectors Club, eBay, and a 300-year-old Indian guy who resides in Florida. Depicting Clown going surfing in the Red Sea (of BLOOD!) holding his friend Samuel's arms for safekeeping while Sam paddles in the safety pool. It's a combination of love and beauty rarely seen outside the offices of Mr. Jack Thompson and his parade of mimes.

Lovingly sculpted as if Jesus himself did it, Clown 5 is a thing of beauty - and out of scale with everything. His overweight gut sags with elogance above his torn pants, with every crease and bulge united in perfect matrimony as if the prophet Muhammad himself designed those pants. Buddha was close behind, creating a marvel of a jacket to bestow upon his overweight body, his fat arms clenching with the wisdom of Dumbledore as he clutches the arms torn from his friend's limbless body. His head even has rooted hair!

I do care! The paint matches the beauty of the figure - you can practically smell the blood of the sweatshop children who bloodied their fingers applying a fresh coat of red to his sweaty body. Their sweat and tears have been mixed in with the paint to ensure only the highest quality of suffering imaginable. Yes, when you're playing with a McFarlane Toy, you're taking pleasure in the suffering of children. Children.

There's some articulation.

The base is exceptionally nifty, a man-shaped surfboard screaming in pure pain. Screaming "She loves me, yeah, yeah, yeah, she loves me, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeeaaaah" by the Beach Boys. It can't be faulted. This toy is beautiful.


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