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Jacod Black

Twilight Saga: New Moon
by Shocka

One of the stupidest things to come out of Stephanie Meyer's incredibly stupid Twilight Saga is this concept of "Team (Something)" - in this case being either "Team Edward" or "Team Jacob," the two supernatural suitors for sad-reader-avatar Bella Swan. Fans commit themselves to Team Edward or Team Jacob, despite knowing full well that Bella ultimately ends up with Edward and that Jacob ends up being a weird supernatural pedophile - one of many reasons why I am fully in support of Team Jacob.

"I'm so sorry that I can't be the right kind of monster for you, Bella."

Full Name: Jacob Black
Status: Werewolf
Group: Quileute Wolf Pack
Fur Color: Red Brown
Date of Birth: 1989
Special Abilities: Super Strong & Fast Werewolf

Yes, in Breaking Dawn, the thrilling and bizarre conclusion to the series, boring Bella Swan's pelvis is torn open in the most gory and sickening description of childbirth outside of Japanese pornography (remember Mormon kids, don't have sex, otherwise it could happen!) as her immortal vampire-baby-thing forces itself out of her womb through her entrails. Because werewolves in the sackless Twilight universe have this weird thing in which they immediately "imprint" onto their soulmate when they encounter them, our grown-male wolfie friend Jacob immediately imprints upon Bella's newborn, meaning that one day he is going to make sex on it. Tell me that isn't the best thing you have ever heard!!

Anyway, back to the task at hand, in New Moon we're properly introduced to Jacob, who was previously established as a vaguely offensive Indian stereotype and becomes a "fully fledged" character by wandering around with his shirt off. Unlike statuesque moron Edward, Jacob actually has a personality and charisma and can put full sentences together, in addition to having a body the likes of which even myself, a heterosexual male, finds frickin' hot. With this in mind, there's absolutely no reason that Bella would want to run back to dumbass Edward, except that she's an idiot and thus does just that. (The hilarious scene in which Edward is to kill himself by exposing himself in the public sun shows him to have spray-on-abs in some kind of pitiful attempt to make him interesting compared to the superior-in-every-way Jacob.)

This action figure by NECA perfectly captures the appeal of the character - inarticulate but totally buff. Sculpted shirtless, the detail in his abs and pecs is absolutely perfect, complimented by a fine paint job. Check out the detail on his tattoo - phroar! The facial sculpt is excellent - this is clearly Jacob, unlike most of the Edward figures, who are mostly distinguishable by their Ross Gellar hair.

The drawback is that Jacob is not articulated at all. At all. He has three points total - peg joint neck and feet, the latter of which make it difficult for him to stand by himself. Oh, NECA, when will you learn? He comes with a black oval stand to help with this, but sheesh, get with the program - if legs are sculpted for one pose, leave the feet unarticulated but make sure he can stand! Work it out, people!

Overall, Jacob is the best ever unmovable pedophile werewolf action figure, and one that you should probably own, because it's hilarious.

-- 10/24/10

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