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General Grievous - Four Lightsaber Attack

Star Wars
by Shocka

Let's get it out of the way from the start: Revenge of the Sith wasn't very good.

No, honestly, it wasn't.

Although not scraping the terrible depths of the previous two wrecks, Revenge of the Sith was not the godsend everyone claimed, with the same poor characterisation, terrible dialogue, poor plotting, overdone CGI and boring action sequence lightshows that we've come to expect from a man whose God-complex refuses to let people see the original films that made him famous, rather digitally mutilated ones that have been re-edited over and over to appease a child-like need to create the perfect ultimate vision. Just because the film wasn't a complete mess wasn't any reason for the critics to go insane, nor the fans, but there you go. Making the argument that being a real Star Wars fan involves actually being critical of George Lucas and his new films as well as enjoying the better parts is basically useless, as most of his "fans" aren't exactly interested in logic.

General Grievous If anyone was wondering why the stupid, unintroduced four-armed robot was coughing in the new movie, the answer lies in the amusing Clone Wars animated series that preceded the film. Amusing in the same way that a truck going over an overpass and landing on a close friend might be deemed amusing, the insipid Clone Wars designed to bridge the gap between Shitpile B and Shitpile C introduced several new characters, including the "menacing" General Grievous, a part-robot part-human deathmachine leading the robot army who quickly wasted half a dozen Jedi in his introductory episode, the finale to Season One. (That he could kill so many Jedi with such ease in the animated series and then was dispatched by only one Jedi in the film is irrelevant, because, uh, Obi-Wan is UBER-JEDI! PwN3DD!!)

Obsessed with killing Jedi Knights, he keeps the lightsaber of every Jedi he takes down as a trophy and also a weapon, making that whole part of the original Star Wars about only Jedi being able to use light sabers completely irrelevant.

[uh, that was never in the original Star Wars. Shocka is drunk. --ed.]

No matter. He can weild one, two, even three light sabers to fight the Jedi, as seen in the stupidest moment in Star Wars history in which he carries one in his foot. Good! up against the wall and spread 'em! Apparently designed to be one of the main villains in RotS, General Grievous was introduced in the Clone Wars cartoon so that fanboys would get the satisfaction of instantly recognising him, whilst everyone else would be confused. Because even the makers of Star Wars seemed to realise how stupid the lightsaber-in-foot thing was, they changed his character in the film so that he became the Robotic Goro, with the ability to split his arms in two and hold four lightsabers, because four lightsabers definately is not overkill*. I think he should have a few more - two in his feet, one in his mouth, and one coming out of his anus. Maybe two.

Even his name screams stupid - General Grievous. Ooo, General Grievous! Before attending the midnight screening, we waited and prayed that one character in the film would say the immortal "You've made a grievous mistake!" yet no line was uttered; in fact, GeeGee's part in the film was so small that the fact he was so monsterously stupid was concealed by the rest of the parts that were monsterously stupid. The only reason I bought this stupid figure was to poke fun at it (and, have someone for my GIJoes to attack) and the film didn't even deliver! What a waste. After all, even his name is stupid. So, from now on, we'll be refering to him as a different name!

enough to go around Captain Bodyharm stands just over the 3 3/4" we've come to expect from the puny Star Wars figures. This particular figure, the "Four Lightsaber Attack," is not the best sculpt we've seen so far but it's probably the stupidest. Complete with his four arms folded out, CH carries four lightsabers and looks less than menacing.

His head sculpt is lacking; although his eyes look great, his mouth piece seems unfinished, and poor paint doesn't help bring it out. His body is nice, if a little plain - he looks much better with his cloak - but it's detailed well enough to excuse the nudity. There are little specs of stippled ink all over to highlight him, and all the darker metals and greens are applied appropriately, if a little splotchy. But check out those arms - here, Hasbro has really gone the cheap route. His arms are reused on both sides, so that two of the wrists are the wrong way, just because Hasbro couldn't be bothered sculpting the arms again. Cheap!

Articulation is a mixed bag; Captain Bodyharm has no ball-joints but it seems like he does with the double-jointed neck, knees and arms, which allow for full mobility anyway. His legs are lacking, though, with only peg joints; his stupid feet don't keep him standing long, and desperately needed some kind of movement, along with his wrists and midsection.

let's dance! He features four accessories: two green lightsabers and two blue, none with those nifty metal hilts we saw with the AotC figures, and all made of a weak plastic that bends them out of shape with ease. These, of course, fit into his hands and work with the action feature, the "4 Lightsaber Attack": press down on his head, and he flings his arms around like a spastic. Fortunately for GeeGee purist, the action feature (although stupid) doesn't interfere with the articulation and is ignorable.

Overall, Captain Bodyharm isn't a great figure, which means his poor quality matches the poor quality of the character and subsequent film. Although not bad enough to make you scream "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" or die from losing the will to live, it's definately not worth a purchase unless you REALLY NEED it - there are better GeeGee figures available. Avoid.

* Look forward to new characters in the upcoming Star Wars Episode VII, Sergeant Squid - a robotic tentacled squid able to hold 10 lightsabers - and his nemesis, King Jedi - a large fat bearded man who can hold 1000 lightsabers in his beard. Rough cuts have shown that combat is particularly amazing/incoherant, with George Lucas himself leaping around in front of a green screen battling with tennis balls on string representing the evil, the monsterous, the nonsensicle Sergeant Squid. back

Is shocka ignorant, biased or just deluded? Tell us on our message board, The Loafing Lounge.


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