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The Incredibles
by yo go re

You know that commercial for The Incredibles that shows Mrs. Incredible looking unhappily at her butt in the mirror? I just don't get it. Hasn't she heard? Big's in, baby! Sir Mix-a-lot isn't the only one with an appreciation for a fine heart-shape.

Elastigirl Now now, enough creepy-talk. Helen, here, is a mom - we should show her some respect, even if the toy companies won't. Once the famed heroine Elastigirl, Helen Parr gave it all up when the government declared the supers illegal. Helen married Mr. Incredible and settled down in suburbia, raising a family, until the day Bob went missing and Elastigirl was needed again.

Helen Parr While Hasbro stinks up the toy aisles with a half-dozen Mr. Incredible variants, some unnamed company produced this line of figures just for the Disney Store. Elastigirl's likeness is very good, looking like it came directly from the digital designs, big thighs and all.

Helen is 6 3/8" tall, and moves at the neck, shoulders, elbows, waist, hips and knees. It's not a lot of articulation, but it's a far sight better than the stuff you'll find on the shelf at KB or Target.

see something you like? The I-logo on Helen's chest is molded from translucent plastic, and there's a battery compartment on her back, which means what, class? That's right, she lights up. At first glance, there are no obvious buttons or levers to work the feature. So what do you do to make her glow? Take the trash out without being asked.

Ha! No, just kidding. Press the logo - the whole thing is its own giant button. The light shines for about six seconds, then goes off by itself. That's the only action feature: no stretchy bits, unfortunately. Even if they'd been replacable parts like Mr. Fantastic, it would have worked nicely.

Jack-Jack Parr Elastigirl comes with one "accessory," a solid plastic figure of the Parrs' baby, Jack Jack. He's wearing his red super-jammies, and sitting on the ground with a happy expression on his face. Now, either Jack Jack is oversized, or Helen should be damn glad that she has stretching powers: this kid's got a head like Dib. He's 2 3/8" tall to the top of his little cowlick.

cards Included in the clamshell package is a translucent yellow ring and two Incredibles trading cards. The ring is a one-size-fits-all deal, and the cards show some of the great art-deco designs shown under the closing credits. The Disney Store marks these with an approximately $9 retail, but a "buy one, get one free" sale really made the prices more palatable.

Now, a lot of guys are gonna think Helen's looking damn fine in that red and black costume, but if she's so concerned about her figure, couldn't she just stretch the extra inches elsewhere? Helen, baby, don't be ashamed - be proud of that thing.

When Elastigirl walks in with an itty-bitty waist and a round thing your face, do you get sprung? Tell us on our message board, the Loafing Lounge.


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