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Edward

Twilight Saga: New Moon
by Shocka

It's no secret as to why Stephenie Meyer's awful Twilight series has become popular: preying on the insecurities of teenage girls (and women) the world over, it delivers a Mills & Boon romantic fantasy about an ordinary, unattractive, uninteresting dunderhead moving to a new locale and becoming instantly popular, subsequently attracting the attention of not one but two dangerous (but not really) male suitors, despite having nothing special (or worthwhile) about her whatsoever. We could attack Meyer for her pandering lackluster writing, her inability to craft a decent plot, her difficulty in writing believable or engaging characters, her sloppy inarticulate dialogue, her need to insert insane Mormon propoganda into her tepid fiction; but all of that is without merit - you know, more power to her for making a mint out of stupid people's insecurity. No, Meyer's general incompetence isn't worth our ire: her real sin is neutering the established monster mythos of both werewolves and vampires for an entire generation, reducing werewolves to packs of chiselled underwear models who walk around shirtless, and vampires to dimwitted idiots who literally sparkle in the daylight. Enter NECA's genius-cum-sense-of-humor.

Full Name: Edward Anthony Masen Cullen
Status: Vampire
Group: Cullen Coven
Date of Birth: June 20, 1901
Date of Transformation: 1918
Special Abilities: Mind Reading, Super-Speed, Extraordinary Strength

One of the funniest action figures ever made, this special New Moon variant of tosspot Edward Cullen literally sparkles, just like he does onscreen. Identical to the non-sparkly variant, this action figure portrayes him in one of the last scenes of epic stillbirth New Moon in which Edward is going to kill himself by going out in the sun. (Not that that would kill him - sure, that might kill a vampire in a real vampire novel, but in the Twilight universe that just makes him sparkle, causing the Vampire Royalty to have to murder him. You can't make this shit up!)

The sculpt is pretty good, with his open-and-torn shirt nicely detailed, and his face carrying that same vacant, plastic stare that renders all of NECA's action figures more charismatic than any of the actual characters onscreen. The paint is where this guy really shines, [GUH-HAW! --ed.] with his clothes and hair painted the standard blue and brown, but his sparkle is where it all comes together: multicolored sparklies cover all of his exposed skin, only observable in strong light, giving the same goofy effect as the stupid films. It looks as ridiculous as it sounds and makes this action figure must-own.

Articulation is minimal and not great - although Edward has one-up on nearly everyone else in this doomed line with balljointed shoulders, he's limited to having swivel wrists and neck which are mostly immobile courtesy of his clothes, and he's got jointed feet that render him unable to stand except in one unholdable pose. To rectify this, he comes with a black oval stand, but because his legs have no articulation he really shouldn't need it. That's an unfortunate and consistent issue with NECA's otherwise fine action figures (provided the damn things don't break).

Sparkly Edward Cullen is so stupid that you owe it to yourself to nab him on clearance. He's absolutely the most non-threatening vampire toy you'll ever own, meaning all of your other vampire toys are going to beat up on him - as well they should. He sparkles, for dog's sake! Win!

-- 10/10/10


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