Back in the late 1900s, MTV had a show called You Wrote It, You Watch It. Viewers would submit stories that were then acted out in sketch comedy form. Well, theoretically: despite being hosted by Jon Stewart and performed by members of The State (a combo that just a couple years later would have been huge), it only lasted one season, which meant that, in fact, no, no matter who wrote it, no one watched it. Anyway, this is just a long way to say: we hope you're happy, Dan, this is your fault.
Godzilla vs. Kong was a pretty fun movie - not great, but not bad - but it's impossible to describe literally anything at all that happens in it without sounding like you're making it up on the spot. "King Kong murders the sun." "King Kong can talk, but chooses not to." "King Kong ollies an aircraft carrier like a skateboard." "King Kong uses a shield like Captain America." Which one of those is not something that happened in the movie for real? Spoiler: they're all 100% true. Anyway, point is, this might as well be screen-accurate, who would know?
The only King Kong who was ever close to being shaped like a real gorilla was the 2005 Peter Jacksson version - the rest have been at least somewhat humanoid. (The better to elicit our sympathy, my dear.) The modern Kong is no exception, having an upright posture, broader shoulders than waist, a smaller belly, and longer, straighter legs. This toy opts to sink his head a bit, putting it in front of the shoulders rather than on top of them, but don't worry: as you'll see, screen-accuracy is not the goal here.
The level of detail in the sculpt is not as good as we usually consider here on OAFE; we mainly cover collector figures, like NECA or McFarlane, which strive for the most detail it's currently possible to stamp into plastic, not toys aimed at younger audiences where the design directive is basically "eh, close enough." There's the rough suggestion of fur on some parts, perfectly smooth skin on others. He has three light scars painted on his chest, with the rest of the body just being bare brown plastic. [there's also brown paint on the chest and face --ed.] His teeth, tongue, and eyes get painted, as well.
Articulation is light. Kong has swivel/hinge shoulders and hips, and swivel ankles. That's it. Not very much, is it? The toy includes a version of the GvK axe, made from a Godzilla scale, though here is has additional golden metal(?) around the axehead. Getting it into the toy's hand is a challenge, but it can plug into his back for storage if you want that instead.
There are more joints on the toy than we've mentioned. This review is being posted on a Tuesday, which is traditionally our day for Transformers. That's weird, right? Why would we do this? Because this is Titan Tech Kong, which means he transforms for battle.
A slip of paper inside the package lists the steps to convert him: open the back, split the body at the shoulders, turn the chest 180° and flip the head, close the body, pull the arms down, then open the armor panels
on the arms and legs.
This. Ape. Looks. Ridiculous! I guess the implication is that the Monarch organization has surgically upgraded King Kong with cybernetics? For reasons? Maybe they were impressed by his ability to solve videogame-style puzzles (another thing that literally happened in Godzilla vs. Kong) and thought installing metal in his body would make him even more efficient. Also to give him a giant pair of sunglasses like the Terminator and a microphone headset like an early Image Comics character.
Other than that, he get a chest harness with the Monarch logo in the center (presumably meant to look like it's disappearing into his fur), Go-Go-Gadget biceps, sawblades in the forearms and shins, possible gun barrels on the back of the hands, and armor on the thighs. Often when you open one of the panels, there's more metal visible inside, like he's got Wolverine bones or something.
The shoulder pads look like rocket launchers, and there's a black... thing... that folds up out of the left pad. In GvK, everybody's
favorite "bigge monke" was 334 feet tall, meaning a human would be almost as tall as one of his toes. Almost. Given the shape and scale of that black piece, it almost feels like the conning tower on a naval vessel, like the humans are sitting in there piloting Kong and helping direct him in battle. We already know he understands human language, so maybe they're in there relaying instructions via like a wrestling manager. That's what the headset is for!
Titan Tech Kong is a stupid, stupid toy and so much fun. Sure, you could get some high-end SH Monsterarts version, but would that be anywhere near as awesome? This is something to play with, not to find a nice pose for and leave on the shelf, and you can't deny the cool factor of a robo-armored cyber-ape. It's enough to make you want to step outside your comfort zone.
-- 10/11/22
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