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Spawn the Bloodaxe and Thunderhoof

Spawn Series 22: The Viking Age
by Brite Girl

A pony! I asked for a pony for my birthday and daddy got me one! He's really pretty and has a rider and everything. I'm going to call him Sparkles [We call him "Thunderhoof" --ed.] and his rider Bobby. ["Spawn the Bloodaxe" --ed.]

Thunderhoof is a powerful and brutal steed with the unique ability to bridge the bottomless stretch of time and space between the lands of the living and the dead. The horse is currently restrained in a cage made of human bones in the throne room of the Realm of the Dead. Thunderhoof wears a saddle, but no man has ever ridden him. Until Spawn the Bloodaxe. Did the noble stallion recognize some basic similarity between itself and the disfigured Bloodaxe? An essential nobility of two creatures trapped in horrific circumstances, betrayed, but not beaten? Would Thunderhoof be able to carry this warrior across the unspeakable gulf between the Realm of the Dead and the Land of the Living?

Bobby was going to date Barbie, but he's too short. [7¾" --ed.] That's silly, because everybody knows that boys are supposed to be taller than girls. For kissing. Bobby can blow raspberries on Barbie's tummy, but he can't date her.

That's okay, though, because he can date She-Ra instead. They both have ponies, only She-Ra's pony isn't really Swift Wind, because daddy says those frakking toy companies didn't make a real one. [Daddy definitely does not use the word "frakking" in front of the kids --ed.] So She-Ra has to ride Arwen's horse from the Fellowship of the Ring. Swift Wind is smaller than Sparkles [Thunderhoof is 7" at the withers, or 8¼" at the top of his horsehelm, and 10½" from nose to tail --ed.], so they can date, too.

Bobby is a tough guy, but he doesn't have a sword like She-Ra. He has a stick. It looks like wood with leather wrapped around it and pointy metal bits at both ends. One end has a ring and a necklace that has a big spiky ball at the end. [A flail. It's a flail --ed.] Bobby holds his spike-stick in the wrong hand, cause he's like the kids at school that can't work the water fountain right and have to use special scissors.

His other hand has a big wood circle for protection. It also has spikes, like a pointy X that says "Hey, stupid, hit here!" It's all cut and dented cause Bobby's been in a lotta fights. [realistic wood grain shield with pits and slashes --ed.]

Bobby has big shoulders like a football player. When they go to high school, Bobby is the quarterback and She-Ra is the most popular girl ever. That's when they do the kissing. But Bobby has to take his football gear off, cause it's all spiky. He really likes spikes. I think he wanted his daddy to name him Spike. He has four spikes like sharp bones sticking up on each shoulder, and buckles that hang down. He has real fur [synthetic softgoods --ed.] under the spikes so they don't hurt his shoulders. It's soft and black. He has more fur to cover his tush and his boy bits. They get hurt real easy, so you shouldn't kick boys there unless they really deserve it, like when they push you off the swing at recess.

Bobby also likes jewelry. He has a necklace hanging from his shoulder [a baldric --ed.] that comes out of a skull. The necklace has a purse and a water bottle on it. The skull is lots smaller than Bobby's, so it's probably a really annoying second-grader like [no naming names, Brite --ed.] and he got killed for being such a jerkbutt to She-Ra. Bobby has another skull on his belt, but it has horns like his hat does.

Bobby's face is scary, so he had a jewelry man make him a shiny silver hat that covers his whole head and never comes off. It has green eyes and two horns and fancy drawings and spikes all over the top. It's not like either of the hats that the other Bobbys wore at all. Those show off their ugly faces, uck! He has a mouth and chin sticking out, though, so he can still kiss She-Ra. Mwa-mwa-mwah!

After high school, Bobby had to stop being a football player cause he hurt his leg and he has to wear a cast all the time now. His friends colored it red and wrapped it up with buckles to Bobby wouldn't feel bad. He added spikes at the top. She-Ra's gonna talk to him about all the spikes, because it's hard to kiss boys when they have too many pokey bits. Bobby's other leg has black wrappings with silver marbles. [studded leather --ed.] He has another spike on his foot, but he would never use it on Sparkles because Sparkles is a good pony.

Bobby likes to ride Sparkles, cause with his big cast, he can't run real fast but Sparkles can. Bobby is a good rider. Even though he's wearing spurs, he keeps his heels down and uses his knees to drive so he can hold his spike-stick and spike-circle to fight bad guys who want to kidnap She-Ra. Bobby can move a lot so he can fight bad guys and ride Sparkles and get down on one knee to ask She-Ra to marry him. [slightly different than the normal version: neck, shoulders, upper arms, elbows, wrists, chest, waist, hips, thighs, knees, shins, right ankle, and right toes --ed.]

She-Ra knows that Bobby is a good man to marry because he even buys jewelry for his pony. Sparkles can move his head and tail and all his legs so he can kick the bad guys and flick away flies. [hinged head, all four hips, all four ankles, front knees and a swivel tail --ed.] He gets silver and red jewelry because those are Bobby's favorite colors. His horseshoes have Spawn-faces in them. She-Ra wears red, too, because she knows Bobby likes it, but she wears gold instead of silver cause mommy says she's her own woman.

Sparkles has an extra-big stirrup on one side for Bobby's cast and a regular one on the other side. His jewelry is kinda pointy, but it only has a few spikes on Sparkles' face cause Sparkles doesn't like spikes like Bobby does. He has a big mask [horsehelm --ed.] that comes off so Swift Wind can nuzzle his face. His jewelry has lots of layers, with red blankets [Sculpted, not soft goods. --ed.] under it. He's very pretty, even if it looks like he's wearing a skirt with an ugly face on the front.

Bobby and Sparkles are a good toy for anyone who likes ponies and kissing.

Who is Brite Girl? Find out here!

-- 04/01/09

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