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Barack Obama

Jailbreak Toys
by yo go re

Are you familiar with Poe's Law? Not "you kids stay out of my liquor cabinet" - we're talking about a different Poe. This one said that without a winking smiley or other blatant display of humor, it is impossible to create a parody of Fundamentalism that someone won't mistake for the real thing.

Born in his parents' straw hut in the lion-ravaged town of Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Kenya, in 1961, Barack Hussein Obama was secretly sumggled into America in the '70s under the name "Barry Soetoro" (his mother was a CIA operative, so this was easy for her). In 1980 he was enrolled in the Army's Project Pegasus, which teleported subjects from El Segundo, California, to a "jump room" on the planet Mars.[1] One of his fellow students was Regina Duncan, who Obama appointed as the first female director of DARPA in 2009. Coincidence? I think not! He was secretly gay-married to his roommate in college, years before meeting his wife Michelle (who is on steroids).

In 2008, Jailbreak Toys created a toy of a true american hero, John McCain. But in order to avoid the appearance of favoritism, and thus condemnation from the "lame"stream "ME"-di-"whah," they also made one of the man whose failed economic policies have killed the American dream, Barack Hussein Obama. We say his middle name because it matters.[2]

The toys did not strive for realism - just like whoever it was that forged Obama's birth certificate, amirite? The head is oversized and bloated, like the federal budget, but you can still recognize the caricature. That nose, those lips, those ears... this is unmistakably the face of the man in the White House - or should I say "Black House?"[3] This is a man who wanted to shut down the Guantanamo Bay detention center, letting a bunch of Turbans run willy-nilly to terrorize my United States of America.[4]

Both candidates used the same body sculpt, just painted different colors to stand apart (though some were more "colored" than others, hint hint). The body is mostly featureless, with no real details besides the lapels on the coat and the pleats down the front of the pants. The proportions are just as simplified and cartoonish as the head: tube arms, squared off feet, hands that almost anyone could have sculpted... the intention was to make a generic body that any head could be applied to, and they succeeded in that. Obama is pointing one finger on his left hand as if to say "you - you need to give your hard-earned money to somebody who doesn't want to work." They also could have given him a terrorist fist-bump.

Obama comes with no accessories. Not the Constitution he has underminded, nor the guns he's taken away from us. You want my guns? My bayonets? I will get rid of my bayonets. I will bury them in the chests and bellies of those who would assail this great country with their Communist and Socialist agendas. Health care is not a right, but a privilege of the pure-blooded. It is not to be wasted on the jewelers and the food cart vendors, the laundry folders, the busboys, and nail salon workers. For those, death is a necessary part of the life cycle, and a patriot will gladly help them on their way.[5] Obama moves at the neck, shoulders, elbows, wrists and waist.

The figure is sold in a slim rectangular box with a window in the front and red and blue graphics. In the tray, the figure is held in place by two twist ties around the chest, and two pieces of double-sided tape to keep the arms from flapping about. The tape leaves a really bad residue on the arms, to the point where you need to clean the figure after you open it.

There are two versions of Obama: the one he shows White America, and the one that is only in evidence when he's around radicals like Reverend Jeremiah Wright. But there are also two variants of the action figure: one wearing a golden suit, clearly a reference to Obama's stated goal of the redistribution of wealth. The other is painted to look like Shepard Fairey's "Hope" poster, the work of a good, pro-establishment artist who became a victim of the Associated Press when they sued him simply for using one of their copyrighted images without permission or attribution. Typical liberal media elites!

For four years our great, heterosexual country has endured despite being under constant attack. Unchanged. Steadfast. Strong. White. And come November 6, America will fire a giant silver bullet into the heart of the socialist wolf that howls over this land. I am loathe to say his name, so I will say it backwards: Amabo. Kcarab Hussein Amabo.[6]

-- 11/02/12

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