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J. Jonah Jameson

Spider-Man: No Way Home
by yo go re

Bring me jpgs! JPEGS OF SPIDER-MAN!

Behind the anchor desk on The Daily Bugle web site [sic] , Jameson does everything he can to sling mud at his greatest adversary - Spider-Man.

Reimagining J. Jonah Jameson from a newspaper editor to an Alex-Jones-style raving loon is a great way to modernize the character - so great, in fact, that the movies copied it from the PS4 Spider-Man game. There he just seemed to have a podcast, while the MCU version has moved on up to a full webseries; guess selling fly-by-night dick supplement pills and special subscriber coffee cups to people who think the Earth is flat or that cyanide poisoning can cure covid really rakes in the dough! JJ in the comics (and the Raimi movies, honestly) has become viewed as something of a loveable curmudgeon, not a dangerous monster like the people unscrupulous enough to scam their gullible audiences if it means one more penny in their own pocket. He needed to be a threat again.

When listing the best comicbook movie castings of all time, JK Simmons as Raimi's Jonah Jameson is right up there at the top with Patrick Stewart as Charles Xavier. So the news that he'd be coming back for No Way Home was met with much elation - even finding out he'd be bald instead of having his famous flat-top wasn't enough to get fans down (much). This toy includes two heads, and sadly, no: neither of them have a full head of hair; it's just one with the mouth closed, and one with it open in a wild, angry bellow, like he's mid-tirade. Considering that the last JJJ figure had one of the best likenesses of its decade, even pre-digital-painting, it's good that these live up to its legacy.

Jolly Jonah is made from the suit body. He's wearing a dark blue jacket and pants, with a lighter blue shirt and no tie, to show he's utterly casual and relateable, and you should buy whatever garbage he's hawking this week. Use code "CancelCulture" for 3% off brain pills in his web store! This version of the body is the one with the messed-up feet, and Jesus-jumped-up-Christ in a birchbark canoe, Hasbro, when are you going to retire these molds and make some that actually work like human anatomy already? Feet don't point in! At least here the lower edge of his suitcoat comes down far enough to hide the misaligned thigh joints, but it would still be better if the mistake was just fixed at the source.

In addition to the alternate head, the figure includes alternate hands. The ones he has in the package are a fist and a pointing finger, because of course they are. The other two are just wide open. All of them are new molds, because while the left hand could have been reused, Jonah's sculpted wearing a wedding ring. Guess there's a Marla Jameson in this reality, as well!

As if that weren't enough hands, the figure also gets the left arm of the Armadillo Build-A-Figure.

Given the choice, no doubt I'd go with the old "Sam Raimi" J. Jonah Jameson over the new... "whoever directs these movies" J. Jonah Jameson, but it's not that this one is a bad take on the character, it's just that he's not what we're all used to. And I really really wish this toy had come with a head that had hair, so we could choose which version to make him, butthat would have required at least a cameo blip scene of him in No Way Home.

-- 01/17/22

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