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Stonecutter Homer

World of Springfield
by yo go re

When Homer noticed that all his friends seemed to be sharing some rewarding secret, he did some snooping to find out just what was going on. Nothing could have prepared him for the weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil things he saw!

Who controls the British crown?
Who keeps the metric system down?
We do! We do.

The Stonecutters are on obvious parody of the Masons, that ubiquitous civic organization that never seems to do much more than have pancake breakfasts and adopt the occassional highway. Born of local trade organizations, the Freemasons first became a single, organized body in 1717, with the foundation of the Grand Lodge of London and Westminster on June 24. Four smaller London lodges got together for an inaugural annual dinner, and that was the start of it.

Of course, conspiracy theorist nutjobs insist that the Masons are the newest face of the ancient world-controlling Illuminati. Moving behind the scenes, communicating through secret symbols and handshakes as they direct the fate of nations, Masons are to blame for everything that goes wrong. Because dumb-dumbs feel better about their bad luck when they can believe it's secretly the result of some shadowy force acting against them.

Who keeps Atlantis off the maps?
Who keeps the Martians under wraps?
We do! We do.

The Springfieldian Stonecutters are much more like the real-world Masons than the fanciful imaginary Masons. A secret-laden social organization, the Stonecutters are more interested in beer busts, beer blasts, keggers, stein hoists, AA meetings and beer nights than in doing much of anything to improve their community, let alone controlling the world.

Who holds back the electric car?
Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star?
We do! We do.

Stonecutter Homer is seen here in his regal Stonecutter garb: maroon robe with gold trim, a Stonecutter's symbol on his chest, and a humongous headdress (inspired by The Last Emperor). The hat is removable, of course, resting in the package next to the other three accessories: the Stonecutters' sacred parchment, a book of Secret World History and an ornate stein.

The legible part of the parchment reads "Obstupui steteruntour comae, et vox paucibus maesit," which loosely translates to "The hair of the dumbstruck is stood on end, and a voice mourned to the few." Or, transliterating it, "their hair raised in amazement, and a voice cried out to them."

Who robs cave fish of their sight?
Who rigs every Oscar night?
We do! We do!

Stonecutter Homer is totally on par with the rest of the World of Springfield - exacting sculpt and decent accessories, yet two hips short of qualifying as an action figure. If you like the other WoS figures, you'll probably like Homer. If you have any other Homers, however, you don't really need him: the voice chip in his leg gives you the same phrases as all the rest. The only lines specific to "Homer the Great" are:

  • "OK, OK, I didn't ask for your life story."
    (said at Town Hall)
  • "I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff! And I want in."
    (said on Main Street)

The figure does come with a new Homer-head. This time, he's got a sort of worried/terrified expression, staring wide-eyed.

As a representation of a specific episode, this is a gret toy; however, if you're only after one Homer, this isn't the one to get.

-- 02/26/03

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