Annabelle

The degree to which Annabelle is the scammiest scam of both James Wan's puerile Conjuring series of garbage "horror" films and of the "paranormal investigator" grifter couple Ed and Lorraine Warren's scam-beyond-death is astounding. The 2014 Annabelle film is a joke, an unoriginal sleepfest where the inanimate possessed doll (and I do mean completely inanimate; Annabelle of the Conjuring Crapfest Universe doesn't move around like Chucky or do anything interesting, it's just possessed by a demon that occasionally appears and does.... something?) achieves two things: "jack" and "&%$#," only to be outdone by the low point of Wan's cinematic career - a career consisting nearly entirely of low points - with Annabelle Creation, a truly deranged ZERO STAR outing that has little to do with the creation of the dumbass doll and more to do with boring the audience stupid. The original Annabelle doll looks nothing like this porcelain nightmare, incidentally. When the Warren cons were running their grift, the stupid dolly they added to their collection of crap knick knacks was an old Raggedy Ann doll. Because this wouldn't scare your racist old aunt, the films substituted it for this demonic toy from hell that you'd only give a child you wanted to traumatise. Of course, because the piece of crap doesn't actually do anything - reminder that this is not a Chucky situation, Annabelle doesn't move on its own or do goddamn ANYTHING - it's basically as scary as your average paperweight. That this franchise has been a success is shameful. Determined to keep Annabelle from wreaking more havoc, demonologists Ed and Lorraine Warren bring the possessed doll to the locked artifacts room in their home, placing her "safely" behind sacred glass and enlisting a priest's holy blessing. But an unholy night of horror awaits as Annabelle awakens the evil spirits in the room, who all set their sights on a new target - the Warrens' 10-year-old daughter, Judy, and her friends. Awesome. People mentioning this crap in the same breath as Chucky need to examine themselves in the mirror. (Incidentally, watch the amazing Chucky series, in its second terrific season airing each Wednesday!!) Astonishingly, this action figure is absolutely amazing and much, much, much, much, much, much better than the garbage "character" deserves. Much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much better. Much. Like, honestly ToY quality. To an unbelievable degree. First up, let's talk scale. In the dumbass movies, the witless dolly stands a few feet tall, roughly the same scale as the actual killer doll Chucky. Scaled appropriately, this toy is about 4" tall, putting it right alongside your other Ultimates at the correct height, and looking surprisingly good alongside your Marvel Legends and other figures too. The sculpt is excellent, capturing every dumbass look of the idiot crapface's moronic visage, complemented with great paint on both of the alternate heads too. This is a well-articulated figure, with the same movement as the Chucky and Tiffany figures despite the hunk of ass in the movie never actually doing anything. It's even the rare good use of softgoods on a 7" scale toy - the dress below her midsection is a lovely silky material, with the bodice and shoulders properly sculpted. The effect is great; it looks identical to the onscreen dolly, with sensational poseability to go, even though the idiot thing never poses in any way during the films. We're going to keep stressing that until it sinks in: NECA could have done a figure with zero points of articulation, a solid piece of plastic with a silk skirt, and it would have been 100% accurate. Do the people who talk positively about this character or the movies actually watch them? Even better, the doll includes its own display case, basically duplicated exactly from the films' special Warren Room of Assorted Grifter Crap. It's a plastic case with an opening door, and a removable chair that you can sit her on, and it looks awesome. Even I, someone who hates this film and this franchise with a passion usually reserved for Conservatives' opinions on women, must admire the overall effect of having Dinky Dolly Dumbass looking smooth and suave in her own protective case. It's badass. Stickers are included to attach the "Warning: Positively Do Not Open, or Do, She Doesn't Do God Damn Anything" sign on the top front of the glass, and the card they use on the side to ward off demons or keep it locked in or some damn thing. It looks great, no lie. If you get this figure, you get this amazing case, that you could use for a toy from a franchise that doesn't suck ass. In addition, Annabelle includes two interchangeable heads, one looking to the right, and the other one that looks nearly identical to the one she's packaged with. Why? Who knows. Ooooh, it looks angry instead of placid? Big deal. It's just the sort of bugfuck cluelessness you expect from a franchise this crap. There's also the handwritten note that the demon supposedly wrote, that you could put in the toilet. It's where the franchise belongs. So that's Annabelle, an amazing figure of a terrible non-character from a garbage series of "horror" films that aren't scary, aren't clever, and aren't worthy of existence. Just the goddamn worst. In 2022, where you have the entire history of terrific horror movies you could watch plus a heaping of great new ones (Barbarian, Deadstream, Slapface, My Best Friend’s Exorcism to name a few) your time is much better spent anywhere else than on Crapface the Dumbass Dolly of Garbage. And this toy is way, way better than it deserved to be. -- 10/30/22

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