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Big Boa

GI Joe Classified Series
by yo go re

A character who would never agree to an un-boxing video.

Cobra troopers can be an unruly bunch at times. They aren't motivated by patriotism, unit loyalty, honor or sense of duty. It takes a brutal, unfeeling taskmaster to whip them into fighting form and Big Boa fits the bill to a tee. He has a voice like a bullhorn, fists the size of frozen turkeys and the disposition of a rabid grizzly bear.

Not to spitefully disparage text that was lifted directly from a 1987 filecard because Hasbro is run by cheapskates who will gladly steal money out of your pocket but won't use any of that money to pay people to actually do work on their products, but the saying is "to a T," not "to a tee." Standalone capital T, not t-e-e like "thing you would put a golfball on." Saying "to a (t-e-e) tee" is the equivalent of saying "for all intensive purposes" or "all of the sudden": something you would have had to be punched in the head hundreds of times to think was right. That said, if Big Boa were ever to be a significant character in the comics, a writer could certainly do worse than giving him "always gets his idioms wrong" as a personality quirk.

According to designer Ron Rudat, Big Boa (working name: "Snake-Charmer") was inspired by the Death Guards from 1982's Beastmaster. Shirtless, crotchplate, big helmet, scary boxing gloves... it's not the most expected source ever, but once you know about it, it's easy to see the parallels. The torso and arms are the same used for Gung-Ho, with the rest of the new pieces being sculpted by benevolent overmind Paul Harding. The spiked harness Big Boa wears is sculpted to look like thick leather with actual buckles, and the armor covering his groin is wider. Instead of looking like regular military pants, the figure's legs are smooth, more like a superhero's than a soldier's. They'd work great if Hasbro wanted to make a "tights" version of Sgt. Slaughter.

There haven't exactly been a plethora of Big Boa action figures - this is only the third ever, and he barely ever appeared in the comics (and never in the cartoon), so it wasn't until 2013 that we were given any explanation for why he wears a helmet: it has sensors that tell him the best place to punch people. This one has the spikes over the top and the hose on the side, though the "snout" over the mouth and nose doesn't stick out very far now.

One thing certainly none of the previous figures have ever showed us before is his face. The design gives him black hair, a nose that's visibly bent to the side, a small scar on his cheek, cauliflower ears, and a sneer that's just wide enough to reveal an underbits and two missing teeth. Chuckles was a guy who just got beaten up today; Big Boa is a guy who's been getting beaten up his entire life. The helmet is a swappable head, rather than an actual piece that fits over his head, which is minorly disappointing.

But not as much as the boxing gloves. On the original 1987 figure, the gloves were separate pieces that fit over the hands; these, though, follow the example of the Generation 3 figure, making them alternate hands you swap at the wrist. That's fine for Big Boa, but imagine if they were just gloves and could be given to other figures as well. Not just GI Joes, but anything in the appropriate scale. These don't lose the wrist hinge the way the G3 figure did, because the "cuff" at the bottom is a separate piece that slips over the arm to maintain the look without limiting the range of motion. Though isn't part of the point of boxing gloves to stabilize the wrist, prevent it from moving so you don't injure yourself? Ah, whatever. The regular hands are wrapped with bloody bandages, which looks badass. Though, I don't really know anything about boxing: shouldn't the wraps be more on the knuckles than the backs of his hands? Also the blood? Like, you're not backhanding people in a boxing match, right?

The graphic design on the packaging has changed, so it's easier to see the stats again. Big Boa's are Leader 1, Hand-to-Hand Combat 3, Strength 4, and Coercion 1, which is a really perfect spread for him. We sadly do not get a punching bag like the vintage figure had, but there are a pair of 90-pound hand weights, which he'd probably use both to pump his guns, and to beat on anybody who displeases him. Pro tip: if you get the TMNT "Foot Training" Keno set NECA made, the heavy bag it comes with looks terrific with this figure.

Big Boa was, famously, developed to be the evil counterpart to Rocky Balboa, but when that figure as cancelled, he just had to work by himself. But considering that this figure is nearly 7" tall, if you have any of the Rocky figures from Jakks or NECA, the two can finally face off the way they were meant to 35 years ago.

-- 07/19/24


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