The story of the first Alvistide

n a frosty winter's night, a wagon appeared at the gates of Fort Klugman carrying pioneers to the frontier. A young woman in the party, called Delia, was heavy with child. And though she had journeyed with the virile young men for nigh on one year, none had lain with her, though she was comely.

And on this frosty winter's night, young Delia's water broke, almost freezing her to the seat of the wagon. And the pioneers beseeched the soldiers to grant them entrance, so that she could give birth to her child in the hospital there. But due to an outbreak of syphilis among the soldiers, the hospital was full. And so there in the stable, among the feed and tack and the... the... whatsis, Delia gave birth to a son, whom she called Alvis, as was her wont. And since none of the men in the party were the father, it was decided among them that the birth of this child must truly be a miracle.

And it was so, for above the fort, there suddenly and miraculously appeared an awesome and mighty comet. And so brilliant was its light, that there came from all the tribes, which the soldiers had not yet decimated, shamans. And they rode upon buffalo as was their heathen custom, bearing gifts, offerings of whiskey and firearms. And when the shamans saw the child, they were in awe, for he glowed as bathed in the light which was truly not of this world.

Now drink with me deeply of the bourbon, scotch and rye until such time as we are fighting drunk. Then we shall find - and beat the asses of - the non-believers who ruined my feast.

Baby Alvis is a miraculous miracle incarnate. Alvis parted the Rio Grande. Alvis was the holiest man ever to slap iron. He killed for your sins! But only for revenge. "Vengeance is mine," quoth Alvis. Then he shot that guy right in the freakin' face.

Alvis bless us, every one.

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4 Responses to The story of the first Alvistide

  1. OAFE says:

    Sigh. Okay, so our pansy-ass lawyers from the firm of Duwiech, Itam & Haugh have informed us that we can't jut celebrate Alvistide because it's not "fair" to the other damn religions. Well maybe those religions can hash it out in hell for all eternity! Alvis will smoke those bitches!

    But until then, we don't mean to insult you if you're Sheikra, Mandu, Hempist, Krebbish... blah, blah, blah, whatever. It's not like the Krebs didn't already have their Alvistide, the Nine Nights of Krebula. And we had a special menu for a whole month for the Sheikras' little dealie. Sheikradon. And then you've gotta keep the Malkans away from the Spaniards, because Cthonics freak out about witches and crap. It'd be so much easier if everyone was just Alvian. Then they wouldn't be running around ruining Alvistide for everybody.

    Now let's get some damn Alvistide spirit in here! As is befitting Alvis, our lord.

  2. Are you still active? Would it be all right if I took this description for my calendar (linked below)? This is the first place I can find the actual story as told written down; all the other search results are either synopses or discussions of the episode, nothing written "in-universe."

    • OAFE says:

      Since it's basically just a transcript of the episode, we could hardly say no. The only question is what day it would go on. Dec. 29, the day it first aired? Feb 16, in honor of Harry Goz? Sometime in summer, as though the story were set in the southern hemisphere?

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