Jingle Bells, Bartman Smells

In today's Simpsons Family Christmas review, I mentioned that I didn't know "Jingle Bells" had four verses. I'm betting you didn't, either. So here, for your edification, is the rest of the song. Impress your friends! Confuse your family! Scare the neighbors!

Dashing through the snow,
In a one-horse open sleigh,
O'er the fields we go,
Laughing all the way.
Bells on bobtail ring,
Making spirits bright,
What fun it is to ride and sing
A sleighing song tonight.

That's the first verse; everyone knows the words to that. Of course, some nitwits think it's "bells on Bob's tail ring," like that's the horse's freaking name. Idiots.

A day or two ago
I thought I'd take a ride,
And soon Miss Fanny Bright
Was seated by my side.
The horse was lean and lank,
Misfortune seemed his lot.
We ran into a drifted bank
And there we got upsot.

So our boy is out in his totally crunk ride with his favorite shorty. But his horse is bound for the glue factory and he doesn't know how to drive. So they crash and fall into a snowbank. Which is the 1857 equivalent of "gee, I must have run out of gas," I bet. Just ask Ethan Frome.

A day or two ago
The story I must tell
I went out on the snow
And on my back I fell.
A gent was riding by
In a one-horse open sleigh.
He laughed at me as I there lay
But quickly drove away.

Holy crap, a 19th-century drive-by! This is turning into a 50 Cent song. Strap on your bulletproof vest and continue on to the next verse.

Now the ground is white.
Go it while you're young.
Take the girls along
And sing this sleighing song.
Just bet a bobtailed bay
Two-forty as his speed.
Hitch him to an open sleigh
And crack! You'll take the lead.

So now we're supposed to pick up several girls and take part in a Fast and the Furious-style streetrace. What the hell! People sing this with their families! Your grandma loves this song! She's straight pimpin', yo.

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